But make it weigh more than the Earth

We spend around $200 trillion annually on products that make us look and feel healthier, lighter, and more beautiful. Creams, gels, pills, training videos, yoga mats, liposuction, tight-fitting-underwear, and so on. All of this is for naught as we then follow that up with extra cheese and some shots, but still, it’s money out the door in an effort to “look better.” Everyone at some point has made an effort to lose some weight as well, whether that is to “get back into fightin form” or drop some vanity pounds, or maybe it is a legitimate health concern, you’ve still made an effort. So why then — having worked so hard and spent so much money to look/feel good and lose weight — would you spend a hundred grand on a sports car that looks like a stepped on fish and weighs more than the Earth?
Lexus has assumed, and car buyers have confirmed, that taste and style are completely dead. They haven’t released a vehicle in almost a decade that makes me want to keep my eyes sans fork, and yet people with orange skin and tennis club memberships keep buying them. Despite this, when Lexus had announced that they were to bring the new LC500 to market, I was very intrigued. The first photos looked amazing. It looked like an LFA with some usability sprinkled in. It looked fast and agile, like a road going barracuda or electric eel (it comes as a hybrid, you see) ready to pounce on unsuspecting urchin. It looked like a car that could bite your face off and take you to the hospital quickly and in great luxury. It looked brilliant. Unfortunately, all that glitters is not gold, and in the case of the LC500, this turn of phrase has never been more true. It might, in fact, be made of pure lead. It will probably poison small children if they lick it. It’s certainly heavy enough.

SO IF THE CONSUMER DOESN’T CARE, WHY WOULD LEXUS BOTHER PEELING THE COW BEFORE STUFFING IT IN THE CAR AND CALLING IT A SEAT?


It is so heavy that I couldn’t — and still can’t — believe just how heavy it is. I instantly started thinking about other things that weigh less and came up with many things. I thought of boats, planes, groups of people, churches, etc… but I settled on a few road going vehicles to use for comparison. Keep in mind I’m not one for lists, but here is a list of other passenger vehicles that weigh less than the LC500’s 4400-pound curb weight:

Lincoln Towncar

towncar
 
A popular choice amongst gangsters and grandmas alike, the average weight of one of these block-long-luxury-cruisers is about 220 pounds lighter than the LC500.

2018 Ford F-150 XL 2WD SuperCab 6.5 ft bed

f150super2wd
Americans buy one of these every 37 seconds. Yet, despite its 5000-pound towing capacity, it wouldn’t be able to tow the LC500 on a lightweight trailer. The good news is, you can buy three of these for the price of the Lexus. That should be more than enough to budge the fancy Toyota from its moorings. This one was close, only about three pounds separate the two vehicles, but the F-150 — in non-base trim, mind you — does come in lighter.

2017 Chrysler Pacifica

pacifica
 
This has nearly the same towing capacity of the F-150 plus about a billion other features not included on the truck but is bought nowhere near as often. I digress. A completely loaded Pacifica comes in around a hundred pounds lighter than the Ultra-Performance Luxury Coupe LC500. Plus it looks a million times better.

The Bugatti Veyron…and every other sports car ever.

BUG_veyron_12
I can’t fit every sports car ever made. You get the Bugatti. The title says it all. I would love to be proven wrong, but my extensive six-minute google search proves my claim definitively.

THEY WANT THEIR “FRIENDS” AT THE TENNIS CLUB OR TANNING SALON TO BE VERY IMPRESSED WITH THEIR NEW NON-GERMAN LUXURY ITEM.


Seriously. I can’t begin to understand what Lexus were thinking when designing the LC500. It really seems like they had to go out of their way in order to cram so much beef into such a small package. And what’s the point? It isn’t more luxurious than the other $100,000 luxury cars in its class. It’s much slower than the other $100,000 sports cars in its class. It’s confusing. Then again, the average Lexus buyer isn’t the least bit concerned with any of this nonsense. They just want it to say Lexus and be some shade of white. They want their “friends” at the Tennis club or tanning salon to be very impressed with their new non-German luxury item. Things made in Germany are so very gauche, you know. So if the consumer doesn’t care, why would Lexus bother peeling the cow before stuffing it in the car and calling it a seat? It’s a hell of a lot cheaper to build, that’s for sure. It’s much more eco-friendly, too. A defenseless cow can live to become a delicious burger another day. Metallic flake paint becomes cheaper as well when you can use polished lead bits you have laying around. It’s much cheaper to fill the body panels with sand than having to use proper insulation. Maybe Lexus is the smartest manufacturer of them all; they can build a car for $1.24 and get a hundred grand for it. Not even Volkswagen can do that. So, if you’re orange and very-dumb, buy a Lexus LC500. If you are orange and only slightly dumb, buy a different Lexus. If you are neither orange nor dumb at all, buy a Volvo.

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